You can’t judge a book by it’s cover, but books can tell you a lot about your future daughter-in-law
My husband and I briefly dated when we were teenagers. At the time, his dad had this awesome sailboat that he would take out onto the Great Salt Lake. Yes, it is a little known secret that once you get past the brine flies, the mud, and the stinking dead fish salty smell, the Great Salt Lake offers some of the coolest sailing ever.
It was while the sails of the boat were happily filled with air and the boat hit cruising speed that my future father in law decided to grill me.
“What kind of restaurants do you like?” he asked me. I told him I really love a good steakhouse, that good ‘ol American food was my favorite. My future eternal companion stood behind his father, and shook his head vigorously and made a slashing sign across his neck.
“Um, I mean, you know, I actually LOVE Chinese food, too”, I stammered, glancing at dh’s face. He nodded, and gave me a thumbs up.
“What kind of furniture do you like?” the future grandfather of my children asked. I was flummoxed, and sort of went along with whatever he suggested, like yeah, I’d like a dresser that stood up on it’s two feet. I mean, how many 17 year old girls think about their dressers? I pretended that I cared long enough for him to move on to the next question.
The man peered at me for several seconds and then said, “I need to know more about you.” Then he leaned in closer and looked directly in my eyes and said, “What was the last book you read?”
I panicked.
I knew this was THE QUESTION, the question that would decide, once and for all, if I was good enough to date this man’s only son. I shot of look of helplessness to my soon to be beloved, and he just sort of shrugged, like, ‘You’re on your own, babe.” I wracked my brain, trying to come up with something that would satisfy the patriarch, while at the same time not making it supremely obvious that the only thing I had read in the last 6 months was textbooks for class. I briefly considered lying, but I felt sure this man would see through my literary ruse.
“Um, well. I just finished a Tony Hillerman novel?” I said, making it sound more like a question, asking for approval, bracing for the inevitable condemnation about reading a mystery novel.
“Ah, Tony Hillerman. He writes about Navajos, right?”
I nodded.
“His stuff is well researched. He captures the essence of the Navajo and Hopi culture very well. You know, I’ve met quite a few Mormon artists from the Rez, and they’re very good. Let me tell you why,” and he was off on another topic, the topic of Mormon art, his very favorite topic in the world. I breathed a sigh of relief and looked over at future dh. He smiled a small smile, and flashed the thumbs up sign again.
5 years later and 2 weeks before I actually got the shiny ring on my finger, my fiancee took me home to meet his family again. The scene replayed itself almost exactly, except that this time, instead of being on a tranquil sail boat in the middle of the Great Salt Lake, I was cornered in dh’s kitchen, with his father staring at me with his arms folded, and his mother standing next to him.
“My son doesn’t bring home girls. He brings home books. How serious are you about my son?”
I gulped and shrugged and said, “Um, pretty serious.”
“I need to know more about you,” he said, staring intently. Again he leaned forward, and again he asked, “What books have you read lately?”
I was prepared this time, and rattled off my list. He listened, and nodded in approval. Apparently, I passed.
If you ask my father-in-law, he will make no secret about judging people by the books they read. I suppose music is also some kind of signal to him, but somebody’s literary taste still reigns supreme, I think, in forming his opinion of other people.
Do you judge other by the books they read? Are there certain books that are a signal to you, both good and bad? We’ve talked on this blog about what certain Mormon publications can signal to other people. Do books do the same thing?
I’ll be honest here–when somebody tells me that she just doesn’t read novels, I (unfairly, I know) automatically assume that she and I will probably have little in common. On the other hand, when somebody tells me she LOVED the book, “Till We Have Faces”, by C.S. Lewis, well then. This person and I have to go to lunch, ASAP, and split a tiramisu while we talk.
So tell me if you ever have similar feelings about literary choices. And if any of you love “Till We Have Faces”, I’ve got a table for two and a tiramisu with your name on it.
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December 9th, 2008 at 11:51 am
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December 9th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Oh yeah. The first thing I do at someone’s house is casually look at their bookshelves to get a feel for what they read. And if it’s filled with TV episodes on DVD instead of books… meh.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
I try not to judge, but what a person reads does tell me a lot about them. For example, if their favorite book is _Twilight_ then I know they like sweeping stories full of romance and adventure. They are probably the kind of person who dreams big. But if their favorite book is _The Tipping Point_ or _Freakonomics_, well, we’re going to have a very different conversation. In that case I’d avoid pop culture altogether.
Oh, and I love _Till We Have Faces_! I only know a few readers who love it like I do though
December 9th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Till We Have Faces was one of the most powerful books I’ve ever read. I’ll be right over.
And I absolutely do the same as Nitsav. But there seem to be fewer and fewer walls of shelves in the homes of people I know. And I even live in BYU Professor-land. I’m sure it’s wrong and prideful of me. I’m sure. It’s just some primal longing to have something in common with someone around me.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
I do something similar … I judge a person’s ability to recommend books to me based on the books they love–sometimes rather harshly. Anyone who rants and raves about Twlight, anything by Nicholas Sparks, and the Mitford series can usually still be a friend, but I probably won’t engage in literary discussions with them. I will try and avoid the topic by saying my literature major ruined reading for me.
I’m not just trying to get a lunch invite, but I have loved “Till We Have Faces” for years. If you’re ever in my neck of the woods …
December 9th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Justine, I didn’t think it was possible for me to love you more. Now I know my love may have no bounds.
December 9th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
If I loved “Till We Have Faces” but I don’t like tiramisu, where does that leave us? Also, every Christmas, every birthday, every Valentine’s Day, I get a bookshelf from my husband, and we pile the latest waist-high stack of books on it. I can’t understand people who don’t look at every house, every apartment and think “too many windows; no way I can fit my books in.”
December 9th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
I usually look at their music collection.
December 9th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
I wrote a post about my own experience with literary choices and dating back in 2007, triggered by a great xkcd comic on the same subject (also in the post). Here’s the key graf:
Sigh. ..bruce..
December 9th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I do this all the time. I’ve also put my foot in my mouth by voicing my true opinion before I know someone else’s–and putting down their favorite author. I’ve learned to listen and ask first before opening my big mouth. But if they open up and share my same loves and hates, booyah! Friends!
Only once has the bookshelf test failed me. It was the first time I VT a new person on my route, and I noticed several of my favorite books lying around her place (including C. S. Lewis). I immediately just knew we’d be great friends. Turned out that no, we didn’t have as much in common as I would have supposed.
December 9th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
I review all the books I read on my blog, and I fully acknowledge that my reading list is eclectic. I like eclectic. But I heard through the gossip grapevine the other day that a friend told another friend that the books I read are “weird– with all those design books and cookbooks and stuff.” Knowing that others were judging me based on what I read made me feel a little bit sheepish about all of the times I’ve done it too.
December 9th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
The idea that being a mentally-ill packrat denotes some sort of holy book-loving superiority is really odd to me. I’ll keep a book if it’s a) rare or b) a 6-month re-reader. Otherwise, that’s what libraries are for, my friends. Keep your smug bookshelves. I need that space for air.
Oh, and I liked Twilight and Freakonomics about the same — both had intriguing concepts and tweaked the conventional wisdom/mythology is fascinating ways, but there were also parts of both that made me want to corner the authors for awhile with a hard-backed chair and a very bright light.
I think what someone has to say about a book is much more telling than whether or not they own it.
(To be honest, though, after I read the hyper-parenting section of Freakonomics — which says that studies show that reading to children is NOT tied to school success, but having “books in the home” IS, I WAS tempted to get a cartload of books in for the ambiance).
December 9th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
I try not to judge, but I do look at people’s bookshelves, but more importantly, which books are lying around that obviously are being read right now. My own tastes are pretty diverse, but right now it is history, theology, science fiction, good fiction. I generally have two or three books I am in the middle of at any one time.
And I always thought libraries were where you went for books after you couldn’t find any more room at home for them.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Smug bookshelves? I’m actually a little sheepish about my bookshelves, because they aren’t nearly as attractive as my neighbors’ bookshelves–bookshelves adorned with cute vases from Target and family pictures and souvenirs from family vacations. Since mine have actual books in them they look kind of haphazard and messy (all those jacket colors and variable heights!) . . . but I love books so much and I have to have somewhere to keep them, cuteness be damned.
And I buy books because 1. I like the way new books smell, 2. I want to support good writers 3. I like lending them out and 4. I like writing in them. Whether or not this is a manifestation of mental illness is, I suppose, a matter of opinion.
And when I met my husband back in high school, his love of _Ethan Frome_ (and his really cool taste in music) clinched the deal.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
My husband I met because we were both English majors, although now he pretty much only reads/buys comics and graphic novels (nothing wrong with that, just what his taste is). We love to read books and talk abou them, and our infrequent dates almost always end up with us browsing at Borders. We also have a large amount of books in our home, and people usually comment on them when they come over. I do go back and forth on buying books–sometimes the side of me that wants simplicity and non-materialism wins and I don’t buy stuff, and then for a while I go on a buying spree. I do tend to buy stuff that I would like to read more than once, loan out to someone, or that is buy an author I want to support (or not readily available at my local library).
I will also confess to judging people by their shelves, but I try not to do this too much since getting married. Most people in my husband’s family aren’t really readers or book collectors. My tastes are very different; I used to have a sort-of holier than thou attitude of “I only give books as presents for holidays and birthdays”, since that works in my family. then I realized that there are certain people who don’t read and would rather have something else. And yeah, it does make me feel a bit sad since reading is a major part of my life, but it’s just like a lot of other personality differences you have to overlook with family.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Judge away* (links to my GoodReads account).
At first I was self-conscious about exposing my reading habits on GoodReads like that, but I quickly got over myself. So yeah, I read a lot of fantasy. And I have a cooking thing. And I’ve been ignoring Mormon novels. But documenting everything has driven me to read more widely than I had been. And I find it a lot easier to keep track of the books that I want to read than the massive Word document I used to use.
* And friend me if you are also a GoodReads user.
December 9th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
So I’m curious.
1. Did the future FIL remember you from your teenage dating?
and
2. Did you ask HIM what HE reads?
I got cornered at church by a rather older gentleman who was curious about my e-reading device. He asked me what I read. I said, “romance mostly.” He smirked. And I went on to say, “And Umberto Eco and Neal Stephenson and Tom Wolfe.” All I got was a blank look. The many-degreed older gentleman professor had the same blank look. So I said, “Umberto Eco is an Italian semioticist who writes rather eclectic and broad epics, some historical, some not, as do Neal Stephenson and Tom Wolfe, although without the semiotics.”
I guess he decided he didn’t want to talk to me anymore.
If people want to be snotty about my reading habits, i.e., “romance mostly,” then I’ll dish it right back.
I don’t judge people by what they read, but I will look at their bookshelves and see if we have anything in common and/or if they have something I want to cabbage onto.
December 9th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Hmmm. So what does it say about me that for years most of our books were in boxes? We lived a fairly nomadic lifestyle for most of our marriage (read: military). Also I happen to read just about anything & I usually like just about everything. Except horror. Won’t even go there.
And yes, I loved the Twilight series but I also enjoy Austen, Austen , Dickens, Twain & even a little Homer. My bookshelves today are filled w/ the classics, horror (dh), some contemporary romances (not Harlequin), travel guides, lots of sci-fi & fantasy, biographies & yes, even a few church books. Hubby & I really get into reading history w/ our children & teaching them about the world.
All that aside I will also look @ friends bookshelves to see if they have anything I’ve read but also to see if there are books I haven’t read & might like. Just because they don’t read the same as I do doesn’t mean that we won’t have things in common. Some of my best friends are non-readers while others are journalists & authors. And all of this aside it was interesting reading your story. Made me laugh as your fil sounds quite a bit like my fil!
December 9th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
In job interviews I always ask what was the last book you read. And if they have to think about it because it has been a long time, I think long and hard about hiring them.
And don’t get me started on seeing shelves and shelves of Anita Stansfield on the bookshelf.
December 9th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Libraries are where you go when you can’t afford to buy the books you want.
Right now I have 28 ebooks on my PDA. 11 science fiction, 8 fantasy, 2 religious, 3 romances, and some I’m not sure how to classify. Authors include Anne McCaffrey, Stephenie Meyer, Terry Pratchett, Isaac Asimov, Christopher Stasheff, and Michelle Sagara. No mysteries at the moment, but I prefer cozies when I read them. Obviously, I love genre fiction. Literary fiction tends to irritate me. My favorite is good YA fiction. Favorite books and writer: Lee Martin’s Deb Ralston series. (Gush, gush, fantastic books, so much fun, personally meaningful to me, gush, gush some more.)
Most of my friends aren’t readers, actually. I’ve never found that a mutual love of books did anything to cement a friendship for me. If anything, I find that once we’re done talking about books, we have nothing else to talk about.
I grew up in a family of obsessive readers, however – we counted our books once when I was a kid and they numbered over a thousand. I’m just as bad – I will never have enough bookcases, which is why most of my books are in boxes.
When I moved cross-country to marry my husband I left all my furniture (including bookcases) and most of the rest of my possessions. I paid $400, though, to ship all my books to his house; I only spent $100 on my wedding dress.
December 9th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
.
Reading people’s shelves tells you what they want you to think about them, and I think that’s fair. And, on first meeting, people able to ask about books you have in common is a big in. Also, it’s a big relationship-builder to share books. Foxy’s husband keeps me in comics which I appreciate greatly — I like reading them, but don’t buy them and libraries don’t have that many.
It’s interesting, but I hadn’t thought that much (enough?) about being judged based on my reading since starting logging it on my blog. I wonder how I am being judged…..
December 9th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
My MIL tried to pull this crap on me once. I whipped out my favorite authors and titles — none of whom she recognized, and so consequently she thinks I’m an idiot. Of course, she doesn’t speak the native tongue of any of the writers.
(Yes, I’m a bit sore at the idea that the world’s greatest books are all in English. This is a woman who accused former coworkers with science degrees of having an inferior college education because they hadn’t read as well as she had.)
Anyway, I learned how to be a snob from her. Future children-in-law will need to be able to discuss Lillo, Dorfman, Paz, Sor Juana, Neruda, Blest Gana, Borges, and Garcia Marquez. And English translations don’t count. Neither does anyone named Allende (except Salvador).
December 9th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
And don’t get me started on seeing shelves and shelves of Anita Stansfield on the bookshelf.
My wife has a similar reaction to anyone with a Kincaid in their house.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Or a Kinkade, even.
(See how much we hate him?!)
December 9th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Personally, I don’t judge other people by what books they read. The only time I browse people’s bookshelves is to see if there is anything I can borrow. I love reading, and am not ashamed of my love of YA Fiction, Fantasy and LDS romance (Anita Stansfield included). I also like classics like Austen, Bronte, and Shakespeare. It is enough that people have a love of reading and find something that interests them. That is why there is a great variety and genres. Why judge someone else in their choice or reading material?
December 9th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
I confess. I don’t know who Anita Stansfield is. Don’t judge me.
I’m loving these comments. And Mojo, yes, FIL remembered me from my dating days. So much so that when I briefly was engaged to somebody else who I did not end up marrying, he said to dh, “You have to figure out a way to marry Heather.”
My husband, very wisely, said, “Dad, I can’t. She’s engaged to someone else.”
FIL just shrugged and said, “You’re going to have to find a way around that.”
Lucky for everybody, the first engagement didn’t work out, and I was engaged to dh a scant 6 months later. I’ve since discovered that everybody in his family, when they met me in high school, assumed we would get married.
Also, I don’t have to ask what FIL reads. He constantly has a book in his hands, and is more than happy to tell you all about it. His judgements may be severe, but his own reading habits are actually pretty eclectic, too. He doesn’t purposefully pick up a novel, really, but he did read one that I recommended, (OSC’s “Enchantment”) and he genuinely enjoyed it. He’s almost always willing to read anything anybody recommends to him, including Harry Potter, and, if I pushed it, probably even Twilight. He’s capable of coming up with all sorts of theoritical cultural patterns about pretty much everything (including something as silly as High School Musical and Buzz Lightyear, Space Ranger), so I think in that context, he can get something out of pretty much everything.
December 9th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
For the record, I did date girls before I got married. I just didn’t bring them home because my father would inevitably grill them about food, literature, architecture, and interior design. I was interested in getting more dates. Can you blame me?
December 9th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
My husband once had a list of things he was NOT looking for in a future girlfriend and one was “the last book she read was one of the Work and the Glory” series. Eventually, he ended up with me, an English major turned English professor turned stay at home mom who now focuses all her powers of literary analysis on judging other people’s book collections, selections, suggestions, recommendations, etc. I can’t help it! I judge what’s on the shelves, what’s missing from them, and whether the shelves exist at all. My family (similarly judgmental and voracious readers) loves a joke from Auntie Mame the movie when a brainless character gushes “Books are so decorative!” I once barely made it through the rest of the date with a guy who, after I’d been in his apartment a few minutes and observed that he had a nice leather bound set of classics on his shelves, said “I liked the way they looked.” I said facetiously “oh yes, books are sooo decorative,” to which he then replied, in all seriousness, “exactly.” That was our first and last date. Does it make things any better that I’m an equal opportunity judge and judge just as harshly based on television watching or music listening habits? No?? Oh well, I’m over it and on to reading the latest Richard Russo novel.
December 9th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Oh, now I have a crush on your FIL.
December 9th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Heather – for the record, your college roommates also knew you were going to end up with DH despite the fact that non of us had ever met him.
And, sadly, though I was an english lit major, now that I run my own business I find that I’m always either reading one business book or another or the Harvard Review which is essentially a bunch of business case studies. Makes me very boring! However, my secret indulgence is that when I have to fly somewhere I pick up a nonbusiness book. It makes the insanity that is flying these days so much easier to bear.
December 9th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
I can’t afford to buy books. I read too much and don’t like wasting money on stuff. My husband fills our stuff with DVDs. What am I supposed to do, forbid him? I much prefer a plane ticket to visit someone over piles of things.
Libraries are awesome! You just get online and order your book and go pick it up. For free!
December 9th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
I guess maybe I don’t care about keeping books is that I don’t re-read a book for 10 years at least. I won’t re-watch a movie for 10 years either, unless I am watching it with someone who hasn’t seen it before and I really liked it.
December 9th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
So, what does it mean when I have two separate libraries? I’ve got these huge, double-stack shelves with tons of character that contain my “public” library, which visitors find both intriguing and intimidating. And, they often remark that I read “interesting” books–as in, “what kind of person are you that THIS would be your collection?” And then I’ve got my “private” library in a room that only people invited into it (in other words, people I know well) can see. Usually when those specially selected guests come in, they pounce on my selection of rare books on particular topics. But once in a while, I make a mistake and invite the wrong person, who, upon glimpsing my private stash, tends to suddenly wonder whether they want to hang around me anymore. (This makes it sound like I’ve got nasty books—which is not the case . . .)
December 10th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
A few comments:
* First, we have hundreds and hundreds of books — but having a “family” library means that not every book in the shelves is representative of the collective book taste. I am sometimes embarrassed when people look at my shelves, knowing that they are forming an opinion that is not correct or complete.
* I agree with others that the books we own and the books we enjoy reading are not necessarily the same books.
* For us at least, finances have played a huge role in which books we own. We have purchased lots of used books simply because they were cheap. (Every fall, Ithaca NY has THE BEST Used Book sale EVER…) but we rely heavily on the library for our pleasure reading. I am more likely to buy books we already like, but if the price is right, I’ll buy it just because it’s cheap.
* Lately, most of my “free time” reading is spent reading juvenile and YA books that I can safely recommend to my kids.
* And I confess that I do look at other people’s shelves and make judgments based on what books they like (whether owned or just recommended.) Some books just reveal a very different set of priorities from my own. (Kind of like in _The Little Prince_ when he shows his boa constrictor pictures to people and is able to tell whether they will be able to be friends.)
December 10th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
see queuno, when you say Kincaid, I think Jamaica, and then I’m like, “what’s wrong with her?” But Thomas is a whole other story….
December 10th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Shelah – I had a brain cramp and mispelled it. Been a long semester.
Here’s a thing, though — there are *very* *very* few people who come into our house and even *see* the bookcases. There are four in our bedroom, two each in the other three bedrooms, and all are stuffed the ceiling. There’s a half-bookshelf in the living room that mostly has family history and scrapbooks. There’s a big DVD case in the living room. There’s a half-bookshelf in the hallway to the kids’ rooms with Church-related books.
So unless you got the master tour (and seriously, it’s probably been a decade since anyone outside the immediate family has been inside our master bedroom), you’d never ever have an idea what we’re into. Except scrapbooks and Church. Hmm. We’re just not interested in putting massive bookcases in our living room and we firmly believe that guests are restricted to the living room/kitchen/bathroom…
December 10th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
But here’s a pet peeve – people who read a TRANSLATION and swoon over the writing style. “Oh, that 100 Years of Solitude — Mr. Marquez is such a master craftsman when he writes!” No, his translator was. And it’s Mr. Garcia Marquez or Mr. Garcia if you must, you troglodyte!
Now my wife is a huge art snob. It’s not enough to have art on your walls. You must defend the selection. Small wonder most of our art is stuff she painted or picked up, but I’m starting to learn…
December 11th, 2008 at 8:16 am
I would judge people by their bookshelves, but I live in Wyoming. The only books here are kept in outhouses.
December 14th, 2008 at 12:06 am
Because in Wyoming, recycling the printed word is as important as reading it.
December 14th, 2008 at 5:32 am
Coming to this late, because I just discovered this site. This post made me laugh. Even if I hadn’t known that Heather had written it, I would have recognized her FIL. At one time he was a very important mentor in my life, and always, to this day, my friend.
He has the most ecelectic interests of anyone I have ever known–from sailing to blacksmithing to making stained glass to serious composting to passionately nurturing his cub scouts, etc. etc., etc. His music, art and literature tastes range over the whole world.
He also adores Heather and indeed her whole family. I especially remember his awe filled comments when “Little Sister” was born. He had nothing but the highest praise for Heather’s courage in the face of daunting physical challenges to get her little one here.
He has been a dear and interesting friend, so hats off to Richard O.
December 15th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Your FIL and I would be great friends.
I judge people on their art as well as their books. I guess that’s a succinct way of saying that you’re not safe with me poking my head around your house. Maybe ‘judge’ is the wrong word, maybe I’m looking for ‘measure.’
February 9th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
[...] time I was here, I told you about my father-in-law and his obsession with books. Now I’ll tell you about my husband, and his obsession with [...]
March 11th, 2009 at 1:50 am
The economy has such a huge affect on the decision.
March 11th, 2009 at 10:00 am
With what little money I have I buy a book. If anythings left I buy food and clothing.
I love Till We Have Faces, but I love Dance of the Dissident Daughter more.
I judge a person by whether they read or not. My Kiddy Lit Prof once stated that as long as a kid is reading that’s what matters. They will get board eventually and find something more challenging.
I’ll admit, though, that as a librarian I’ve come to the conclusion that “romance” novels are a housewife’s porn. When I see a woman check out 30+ of these a week I can’t help but think something is wrong in her life.
March 17th, 2009 at 11:38 am
This advice is really going to help, thanks.
March 20th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
I wanted to comment and thank the author, good stuff
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:28 am
If you have other links related to this could you post them for me?