Marriage Literature
In a recent post, Dallas Robbins (a section editor for Sunstone) talks about Camille Paglia’s contention that religion could be the epicenter of a new renaissance in American literature. This got me thinking about what Mormon writers might be particularly qualified to contribute, and I came up with the following.
The day before my sister married, my father sat the family down and told us about how the next day would be the most important in her life. For some reason, this idea rubbed me wrong, but I didn’t know why at the time.
I figured it out a few years later when my wife and I were lying in bed staring at the ceiling. We had just started jobs as school teachers in a small Wyoming town, and the initial adrenaline of moving into a new place, starting new jobs, and buying a house had worn off.
For five years before that night, we had been attending graduate school. We had been excited, we had worked hard, we had looked forward to receiving our degrees. We felt like we were setting up an interesting and rewarding life for ourselves by investing this time, money, and energy. But suddenly, with this new job, we felt like we had reached the part of our story that said, “and then they taught school for thirty years, retired, and died.”
“Is this it?” we asked each other as we stared into the darkness. Is this what we spent so many years working for?” The rest of our lives, it seemed, would consist of falling action. We were suffering from what we now call narrative paucity—a state where one suddenly finds oneself without a meaningful narrative for one’s life.
It seems to me that the same thing happens with marriage. If the act of marrying in the temple is the single most important event in one’s life, then what is the rest of life about? Who wants two-thirds of their lives to be an epilogue?
This is probably one of the reasons why Mormon men get promotion hungry, or Mormon women get family hungry. They’re looking for some kind of rising action to define their lives; some kind of progress indicator. It’s probably one of the reasons my wife and I went to graduate school, we were looking for a solid narrative to propel our lives.
I wonder if the reason we have such a high divorce rate nationally is partially because our marriages suffer from a lack of narrative. After all, the story of marriage doesn’t get much help from the mass media. I’m trying to think of the last blockbuster (movie or novel) that featured a substantive story taking place within a marriage, and it isn’t coming. This is probably because stories are built around change, and the easiest changes to see are the big ones. Why else do so many stories start with people not in love, and end with them in love, or vice versa? Those are pretty big changes.
Providing the world with compelling marriage narratives is where I believe Mormon authors are uniquely qualified to make some big waves.
Our doctrine of eternal progression provides a particularly high-octane fuel for the marriage narrative that few other traditions have. Our view is that this life is only the preface to an eternity of progression—that the story only gets more interesting as it goes along. The story has only just begun when vows have been exchanged.
Most Mormons get married in their early 20s, about one-third of their way through life. Interestingly, the inciting event (the event that really gets the plot going) of most stories hits at about the one-third mark as well. In other words, narratively, marriage is positioned as the most dramatically weighty turning point of a Mormon’s life.
We are steeped in the culture of family. Our families are often larger than average. We tend to keep close ties with extended family. We cast our ancestors in integral roles when we tell our family narratives. In fact, we consider the entire population of the planet—past, present, and future—to be part of a great big family. Family is pretty much our central metaphor.
So falling in love may be fun, but Mormonism avers that marriage is where real soul work is done.
However, if building up a strong tradition of marriage literature is something we want to do, I think we have our work cut out for us. As I said earlier, we aren’t going to get any help from the mass media—they’re only interested when someone is falling in love or breaking up (or did I miss the headlines reading “Pitt and Jolie Spend Day in Matrimonial Bliss”). And I am unaware of a strong current of marriage literature in Mormonism. (Plenty of sermons, yes, but few narratives. The main story I hear is the pulpit joke about the husband who takes lots of walks.) We do have a few excellent starts, though. For example, Eric Samuelsen’s play Family, Margaret Blair Young’s novel Heresies of Nature, and Angela Hallstrom’s novel Bound on Earth.
Also, sadly, in practice our culture doesn’t do so hot at creating marriage narratives. We’re so obsessed with getting our children to that temple ceremony that we forget to set the stage for the rest of their play. We’d have to start thinking about marriage not as a story’s background, but as its main character, complete with goals and dramatic needs.
Perhaps with the development of a robust marriage literature, we will have a hand in creating a world where people talk about the stories of great marriages the same way they talk about the stories of great leaders or great fictional characters. People will get into marriage because they see it as an adventure, because they’re excited about the things they can do there, because they want to add their own unique story to the larger body of marriage literature. Marriage will be like the Amazon river, or Mount Kilimanjaro; and the married will be their explorers.
We’ll have to give up a few things, though. First, we’ll have to redefine the perfect marriage. A good first step would be to take down the facade we currently present of our marriages being the paragon of unflappable domesticity, and let the rest of the world know that we’re struggling just like they are. The difference is that we are trying to savor the struggle, we’re trying to see it as productive. We’re making something here, not just enduring to the end.
We’ll have to give up the safe, simple stories of marriage maintenance and forge into the stakes-laden, complex stories of marriage making. We’ll have to develop fecund new metaphors. “Marriage is a partnership?” “Marriage is a tender flower?” Nice sentiments, and helpful in their way, but boring. If we want to create compelling marriage narratives, we need to leave our well-intentioned advice behind. Marriage literature is not marriage therapy; it’s the creation of possibilities.
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June 16th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Excellent point, Stephen. I’d add _The Marketing of Sister B_ to your list.
One of my favorite works of Mormon literature about a marriage is Scott Bronson’s unpublished novella “The Whipping Boy” (I tried to get him to change the title, but I don’t think he did). There are some moments in that novella that explore the quotidian actions and words and tensions that corrode or strengthen a marriage relationship. If I recall correctly there’s one scene where just a slightly different word choice on the part of the husband would have completely changed how his wife reacted and because we’ve seen what’s led up to it, we get why things go wrong instead of right.
This is also why I’d like to see Henry James mentioned more as a model for Mormon literature. Yes, I know. Boring. Groan. But as I’ve argued in the past, because of the importance Mormons place on the marriage relationship and the role that alcohol and hooking up doesn’t play for many of our people, so much of what happens when it comes to Mormon romance is found in the small gestures and words that a Henry James approach can so exquisitely dramatize.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Your insights really got my mind juices flowing. You are dead on about the mass media’s focus on “falling in love” or “breaking-up” narratives, with very little on marriage narratives. Though there are some great love stories – I really want to see what happens after the marriage, where as you say, the real soul-work begins.
Some films that are worth looking at in regards to marriage narratives would be Bergman’s Scenes from a Marriage (among several others) along with Ullman and Bergman’s The Best Intentions.
Wm, never thought of Henry James, but now you got me interested.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
I meant to say, “I want to see what happens after the wedding . . “
June 16th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
.
Don’t forget The Thin Man movies. (Not that they’re very recent or anything….)
June 17th, 2009 at 7:57 am
What about Rose and Bernard?
Being a couples therapist, and having been through 8 months of it myself, I think the exact “day” of one’s wedding is just the beginning, as it should be. It may be the most important event up to that point, but if the next day isn’t just as or even more important, where’s the progression?
June 17th, 2009 at 8:13 am
I understand that there’s a lot more literature about hooking or breaking up than about marriage, which makes sense: hooking and breaking up both have plot–there’s a beginning, a middle, and some sort of end. While marriage itself can rarely be the plot–it’s too long (unless you get to the breaking up part of things), and doesn’t really have a defined arch. (That’s also why they never make a movie about being a tax attorney–we do interesting things, but there’s not the same kind of drama that is inherent in being a litigator. Instead of arguing in a dramatic fashion, we solve problems by sitting in front of our computers.)
That said, I can think of a lot of big-name indie movies where marriage/family propels the story. Little Miss Sunshine (the family goes across country, and drives a lot of the plot and tension) and Juno (where, although Juno’s pregnancy is the main plot, her dad’s marriage is an absolutely essential underlying story). And there’s the new Dave Eggers movie, which I haven’t seen, but which is driven not by hooking or breaking up, but by having a baby. (Also, if you really meant blockbuster, in Mummy 2 or 3, Brendan Fraser is married and not breaking up.)
I don’t know if any of these would be your ideal model; none is about marriage, but all exist in a post-getting-married, the-marriage-isn’t-breaking-up world. They’re probably not “marriage” literature, but they’re as close as I usually want to come.
June 17th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
The absolute best American novel written about the importance and lasting value of marriage is Wallace Stegner’s 1987 _Crossing to Safety_. If you haven’t read it, pick it up. Heck, you can get a used copy for a dang penny at Amazon. It centers on the lives of two married couples (the protagonist is even an English professor) and crosses decades with them. Crossing to Safety demonstrates the import of love and friendship in a narrative that flows. This is the Stegner novel that should’ve won the Pulitzer. Much better IMO than _Angle of Repose_. Its a masterpiece and a perfect example of what marriage literature should aspire to do. I’d like to think that Stegner’s years among the Mormons influenced him as he created this book. Regardless, it’ll move Mormons to the core.
Great post, Stephen. A huge reminder that we should be exploring the core of who we are and how we live, rather than only investigating the fringe Mormon experiences that are common in “outer darkness.” (That was a wisecrack.) Sounds like the seed of a full-fledged essay to me…
June 17th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
“The Story of Us” is a movie that explores the course of a marriage without said marriage ending. And “Up” has marriage at its core. But you’re right, our narratives tend to focus on the beginning and the ending. Even when there is a long running marriage, often it’s dysfunctional, as in “The Simpsons” or 99.9% of sitcoms. (Though Marshall and Lily in “How I Met Your Mother” are a good counter-example.)
June 17th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Movies like “I Think I Love My Wife” and “She’s Having a Baby” tell the story of a marriage where the man isn’t quite 100% committed and eventually chooses marriage.
I like the TV show Army Wives specifically because it shows 5 marriages and delves into real issues that married couples face. Of course, it is a TV show and sometimes things get resolved a little too neatly, but not always. I also appreciate that the show comes off as pro-marriage. Definitely you see that marriage isn’t easy and that couples should work on their marriage, that problems come up even in happy marriages.
I think you can find much more marriage material in women’s fiction because of its emphasis on relationships. Every family relationship tends to be written about extensively in many novels so there is no shortage of books portraying married couples.
June 17th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Proud Daughter of Eve, tell me you didn’t just call Marge and Homer’s marriage dysfunctional. How dare thee!
June 18th, 2009 at 6:59 am
One of the subplots of the movie “Knocked Up” is a refreshingly realistic depiction of a struggling married couple. Nothing dramatic happens, no one is clearly to blame, but growth does occur in a way I thought rang true to my own experience. Not too shabby for a gross-out R-rated comedy.
June 18th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Say what, Lisa?
June 18th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Oh how we digress, Proud Daughter of Eve, and dishonor Stephen’s great post by fussing over whether Marge and Homer are dysfunctional. Here’s my take: Sure, Homer is an idiot and a wreck. He screws up, but he adores his wife and she, for some unfathomable reason, adores him. These two cartoon icons don’t attempt to use or hurt or demean one another. Oh, they flub up–Homey, you didn’t!–but, in the end, they support one another. The kids too. Maybe these aren’t Father Knows Best characters, but dysfunctional? Nope. Dysfunctional families have unhealthy interpersonal relationships: They tear one another down. Marge and Homer forgive and overlook and get mad before kissing and making up. I think they are a much better example of positive marriage lit than, say, the stars of Everybody Loves Raymond. (Tells you how long its been since I’ve watched a sit com)
July 6th, 2009 at 7:44 am
I am a first-time visitor, and I just need to tell you that I love this post.
A marriage can be the story. Not just that wedding day and not just how it began (though, I must admit I do love to hear ‘how-we-got-together’ stories).
It is time we began chronicling our experiences, struggles and triumphs in marriage and sharing it with others.
I think in our LDS culture it is too often the norm to ‘keep up appearances’, or not to discuss the difficult times.
It is one of the reasons that I got up in the middle of the night last month and began a blog about my struggle/fight for my marriage. It has been amazing to see how many people who have come forward to share their own experiences since I began posting. I am shocked (perhaps because I once wore rose-colored glasses) to find how many of my brothers and sisters have struggled with infidelity and moved past it. No one shares this! Why?
I agree, let’s forge ahead and create the stories that will show marriage to be the adventure (both good and bad) that it is.
“Marriage will be like the Amazon river, or Mount Kilimanjaro; and the married will be their explorers.” Love it.
August 4th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Yes, yes, and YES! Last year when I read Crossing to Safety I felt I had finally found a book that was about real domestic life. (In contrast to Sinclair’s Marry Me, ugh!) We do need much more reality about marriage in fiction.
The problem I have (writing fiction or non) is how it reflects on my husband and is he OK with my broadcasting it? Not that we are perfect, neither argues that, but do we want the world knowing the specifics of our imperfections? And are we willing to take on the ensuing follow-up to broadcasting it? Like in-laws calling to check on the marriage, or bishops assuming we’re on the edge of divorce. I guess it takes more of us communicating the reality so that the idea of a ‘perfect’ marriage will be forever shattered.